I feel my relationship tumbling down around me, and I can't do anything about it.
Furthermore, I have no one to blame.

Why am I so bad at this?
Do I have unrealistic expectations from a boyfriend?
I can't help that I expect the best.

I'm a jerk to the people I care about.

Chris left my lights on and killed my car battery.
The technician said I had "a few starts left" on it after he jumped it, and that I need to buy a new one.
I had to replace the battery to the tune of $120.
And yesterday was when I found I have overdraft fees on my checking account. 
I have $10 in my wallet, and I owe $277.48
He did not offer to help even though it was his fault.

*sigh* I guess I expect too much kindness from people.
This is after he was broke early in the year so I bought him his $100 physics text book.
What am I going to do?
Dad will *not* give me money.

pharmacy school interview in 8 hours

I am Becca.
I am 5'2'', I weigh 125 pounds, my BMI is 22.9, and I AM COMFORTABLE WITH MY BODY.
I AM NOT GOING TO STARVE MYSELF.
I AM NOT GOING TO THROW UP.
I AM BEAUTIFUL THE WAY I AM.


Why does it get harder every day to believe these things?
What has the world come to when "healthy" is fat and "unhealthy" is perfect?
Why do I feel like a whale because I wear a 4?
I should be a 0.
How ridiculous... my size should literally be nonexistent.

I refuse to feel bad about myself for eating twice a day and digesting it.
But I do feel bad about myself and it's not fair.

When people meet me and are my friends they think I'm awesome and fun.
And then they want me to change small things that don't matter.
One by one, picking and picking.
Why can't I be a buy it now deal, as-is in working order.
I'm not a train wreck.
I swear I'm ok the way I am.
I am improving every day without any prodding.
It's being human.

I am applying to pharmacy school in a week or so, when my references e-submit them.
I am so excited and scared.
I dont want to have to tell my dad I have to take another year before Pharm school.

Every once in awhile I see something that I know Maxine would love.
I'm pretty sure this is one of them.
In fact, Maxine I think you probably could make it yourself:

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vt_related_1&listing_id=18350336

Got a 97 (possibly 100) on my first calculus based physics test!

that's all

He's got my future all planned out
I hope I don't mess it up.

I need to learn not to talk to people when its the week before that time of the month.

I DONT WANNA WORK ANYMORE.
why are shrooms so hard to find anyways?

Sometimes I wonder how many people out there dislike me because I broke up with Shea.

I just love having my phone disconnected by the Strausman family.
that shows a level of maturity that I didn't know had been reached by adults.
now I can't keep my number.
thanks a lot assholes.
I offered to pay the bill, but you wouldn't let me.
I promised to leave and you wouldn't activate my phone so I could.
Fuck you for making my days a little worse for no reason.

Oh and thanks for leaving me stranded without a phone
WITHOUT EVEN WARNING ME BEFOREHAND.

Really thoughtful.

Fuck you.


So by the way friends I'll be getting a new number soon so send me a facebook message if you want it and I don't already have your number :)

There is a distinct possibility I wont be going back to school in the fall at this point.

I'm looking for validation in all the wrong places.
I think I really messed up my future.

How am I going to be an asset to my husband or to my kids if I can't make enough money to matter?
Am I destined to be a leech for the rest of my life, never having the freedom to not ask others for what I need or want?
Will the rest of my life be asking permission of my significant other?
Will I have to look into a child's eyes and say no to a dream?

Is my ineptitude going to drive him away?
When?
How long do I have before...

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0061256684?tag=wairan-20&camp=14573&creative=327641&linkCode=as1&creativeASIN=0061256684&adid=0NS739XKBJPB221Z6VXW&

Me want!!

I can't sleep and I can't stop thinking about my mommy.
I really miss her.